2019 My year

Every year seems to roughly start with the same promise, this year will be different or some form of words. If we can, we try and plan always looking at the medium future first. When is that all important first pay check, can we go on holiday and where.

Sometimes it’s the thought that the last year is over and done with and things should change. In some respects for me it did, in others in meant the continuing of on-going work. Some problems don’t see the change of a year as anything but the passage of time.

Is a new year a new time? 

To be honest as I grow older I wonder.

This year did have a quiet start, reflecting on losses and knowing the work I had to undertake. Many people don’t understand what can affect them mentally and often feel they are not under stress. You can sometimes tell when you are physically tired but even then you might not fully see the real signs. Mental stress has now become more noticed in its raw state. The more we learn about ourselves the more we find how fragile the balance can be.

The past year has not been all dark and forbidding, there have been more than a few bright moments. It is those moments, be them brief, that make us smile, feel good and often forget too quickly.  Writing allows me to reflect on them when I need. Photography has also given me another outlook to capture many bright moments, including those on holiday.

Oddly enough, a project which I had not accounted for was the rebuilding (just about) of my late father-in-laws house. It was not just myself mind you, but you do feel the weight of expectations as you progress. Even through this when you go back to bare brick, there comes a moment of that first room that takes shape.

It does change, it finally becomes something new. You can take both pride in the work and yes a little sorrow for what might have been. And yes there is stress that goes with it. Physical stress adds to the mental ones. 

It is then you need support, you need to reflect on good moments. Two holidays helped that was a start. Back to an old hunt in St Ives. I had a project to photograph the place. I wanted to create my view of St Ives and the area. It worked, it made me think and helped refocus my mind.

Life however, never stays on hold, it flows like the river of time. It does not care that you want a break. Back to working on the house, removing rubbish, sorting out problems things that never end. As time moved forward so did the change and finally more was completed than was left to fix. 

It is surprising how much one needs to do and can do in order to complete a task. It does take a lot out of you, wondering if you have done the right thing. Friends will always be there to support you, others will, well sometimes you never know what they do and to be honest should you care?

My photography and writing have suffered this year, in particular one form of photography which I had been enjoying. Again that was due to various pressures and a disappointment, I do need to refund my confidence to tackle that subject again. 

I have found however a couple of positives, dancing again and archery. Both needed to release the stress. I still find myself my own worse critic, as I expect to reach a certain standard. It is both a good and bad thing in my view. I need to learn to let that bit go and be happy with what I achieve. That might be the case with my photography but I again pinning my hopes on being judged. Do I need to add that stress? Is that stress a distraction from other stress? 

So, as this year ends what do I plan. One thing is to declutter a few things and sort out some rooms in the house. That has begun. To finish my task of reaching one goal in photography and push myself further. My third is to complete my writing and at least self-publish a second work. All things I can do with ease. I do need to let go of some of my past, stop it from holding me to account for something I need not worry about.

Lastly to enjoy the time we have, for we never know what is really in the future. Embrace friends be they close or far, able to have a coffee or just say hello. 

Goodbye 2019.